// whatthe?//

Another restless night. Another epic meltdown in the books. Another journal entry to laugh at in a month when I’m doing the same shit that drove me to this breaking point.

Can I just ask you humans…

WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FUCK IS LOVE????

Is it the pitiful sobbing I have succumbed to as I laid in bed alone the past three nights? Or is it the gut wrenching flash of red that almost laid a sista out when I saw the picture she posted on instagram of her and my Michael?

WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FUCK IS GOING ON????

It is 12:30am and I literally just downloaded Tony Gaskins book Single is Not A Curse on Kindle right now. What is my life coming to? I mean, I like every “inspirational post” he throws on the ‘gram (no, literally, I like everything he posts even if it’s some buhhhhshit) but I have no clue what drew me to download his book.

GOD???? THAT YOU????

The first chapter was written in accordance with my Life. Everything spoke directly to me. But that’s also like going through a major Life devastation and then getting your palm read and the results immediately bring sense to your senselessness and for those 15 minutes and $85 later you feel like there may actually be hope for your disaster of a Life.

I AM A HOT, HOT, HOT FUCKING MESS.

He says, “…you will attract into your life what you believe. If you believe that love is not for you, then your face and demeanor will express that without you even realizing it.” Does this mean I should finally remove the bitch face from my everyday wardrobe? Or the countless affirmations I give myself that I am meant to be alone and my family is right to say I’ll never find the right guy? Yes, I think he means exactly this.

I am getting extremely butt ass tired so I won’t short you of my honesty and keep going when I just want to bury myself in this bed. But what I have learned today, besides the fact that I am utterly crazy and a loose fucking cannon when my period is approaching, is that I have had control this entire time. I control who I let into my life and who I let destroy it.

Maybe it’s time to find someone who won’t destroy it.

Night boo.


- Jacs